Year End Whine Fest

I’m only 26 but I’m still a “miserable old coot,” as my mom would say (this term really needs to come back in style). So, I’m just going to do the thing that miserable old coots have been doing since the beginning of time—bitching about really annoying, yet extremely petty shit.

I’m going to start of with Christmas.

Christmas time is one of my favourite times of the year. There’s nothing I like more than getting together with my family, eating mountains of turkey and potatoes, and witnessing Christians knowingly comes up to other Christians and saying, “Happy Holidays” not because they are trying to not offend others but because it’s so ingrained in them to say this utterly moronic yuletide greeting.

The whole thing is weird though. I mean, no one says “Happy Holidays” during the spring, when several holidays of multiple faiths are celebrated locally. I’ve never heard someone say “Happy Holidays” when Good Friday is coming up in order to not offend a Jew celebrating Passover. If it followed “holiday season logic”, this would be exactly what we say. So, I guess one of the things that really bothers me about this phrase is that it’s not even used consistently.

As much as hate the generic, meaningless saying of “Happy Holidays,” the last thing I want to do is make people think that they have to say “Merry Christmas.” You don’t have to say that. But really, wishing someone “Happy Holidays” is like saying “Merry Spring Break”. No one seriously celebrates a period of time off as if it were some sort of holy or meaningful period. Avoiding the name of the holiday is just playing stupid. Kind of like saying “Happy Holy Fasting Period” to a Muslim instead of “Happy Ramadan.” Or, how about “Happy Treats and Costumes Day” instead of “Happy Halloween.”

Overall this is a pretty stupid thing to get terribly upset about but I’m just letting any readers know that these vapid, well-wishing terms are annoying regardless of the good intent of the person who says it. But if you want to say it, you can say “Happy Holidays.”

But I will respond with, “Happy Christ Day!” And I’m not even religious.

In closing, it’s my last required blog post for the year and I really don’t have anything to talk about so cut me some damn slack. In exchange, I promise not to beat anyone who lets the words, “Happy Holidays,” “Seasons Greetings,” or “Happy New Year” slip out of their pumpkin-pie-holes.


Nearing the end

Well, this is either going to be my last or second last blog post this year, because I am clearly not an ambitious blogger. It’s a course requirement for class and it really, really shows.

However, I’m actually proud of my last blog post as I was incredibly delighted by the experience I had at Rumors, making many laugh while testing the PC sensors of many-a-triggered, limp wristed, humourless, salty prudes.

As this was also a school assignment, I was graded for it. I did well for the most part because I got a B+.

But I did really well because I actually got a 0 out of 20 from a judge, right next to a 19 out of 20 score from another judge.

Those who I impressed that night were absolutely delighted, and those who did not like me were absolutely disgusted.

And I just read these marks and laughed my ass off.

The Shady Aftermath

No, I’m not fond of bleach blond white rappers, but this title suits the fallout of my performance, oh so well.

I came up to the stage a bundle of nervous energy and exhaustion at the same time. No sweat, no panic, just a bunch of shaking and a caffeine high.

So, I went on stage and did exactly what I set out to do, with a little bit extra.

I shook, I wailed and muttered out things that if true, would make me one of the most insanely maniacal entertainers since GG Allin.

But I just told jokes. About my posture, my disgusting sweatpants covered in my own bodily fluids, female innovation, being Ted Bundy’s doppelganger, my carcass dumping habits and a Muslim girl who lacks shins. So you know, your typically tasteful Bob Newhartesque humour.

I nailed just about every joke. People laughed heartily, gasped awkwardly, and fell silent during my final moments.

I wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea but who gives a fuck- tea fucking sucks.

The rumours swirled after my performance at Rumor’s.

Is he insane? Does he hate women? Should we tie him to any people that have gone missing over the years? Was he hugged as a child?

The answer to all of these questions is a resounding “No,” especially concerning the hugging (I was raised to be a man, thank you very much).

To sum the splendid night up, I’d say that the crowd for the night was a concerto and I was Bach.

And I played the crowd to perfection.






First Stand-up performance

As November 6 approaches, I prepare for my first stand-up performance in front of an audience that is not limited to my peers.

I’ve thought about the set I’m going to do and I still don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s not that I lack material but rather that I don’t know which material I can pull off in front of a crowd and what material goes together best.

This embarrassment of riches is not a terrible disadvantage for me but it makes it difficult to focus on performing my routine. I don’t even know what I’m going to say when I stand before the crowd at Rumor’s Comedy Club but I better get started.

I’ll probably go down a dark path, thematically speaking, but what matters most to me with comedy is that the jokes are not only told well but that they are fully expressed and are a good fit among other jokes.

So, I’ll probably only have one or two topics to base my jokes on but I’ll milk them for all they’re worth and make sure I don’t jump from one topic to another. My jokes, regardless of quality or content, will be utterly complete.

The funniest films of all time

I’m an assertive person, so when I hear someone say, “Oh, I like a lot of movies,” or “I can’t pick a favourite,” its really annoying. Are you really so weak that you don’t even have the balls to judge which movie is the best?

Ironically, when it comes to what I think the funniest movie of all-time is, I don’t have a fucking answer.

I recently watch Airplane! and with it’s continuous barrage of hilariously absurd moments, like the old jive talking white lady, I cant help to put it on my shortlist of funniest films.

I’m also very fond of Slap Shot, with the super-Canadian Hansons and Paul Newman’s crass, tough guy lead. It’s the best sports comedy but I don’t know if it’s the funniest film ever made.

Dumb and Dumber is another one of my favourites because the odd pairing of Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels is the best on screen pair that I can remember. They feed of each other so well, despite being nearly the same character.

If you know any other worthwhile comedy films to add to this list, please tell me.

Note: I have never seen all of Blazing Saddles, and yes, I am ashamed.

Mitch Hedberg, The Smartass

Bill Hicks railed against corporatism and pop music, George Carlin shit all over religion, and Bill Burr goes on and on about gold digging whores.

Some comedians aren’t trying to say anything. They just make jokes.

That is Mitch Hedberg. During his all too short stand-up career, he told jokes for the sake of being funny.. And what made his jokes great was the terrific level of smart-assery.

His wall joke is masterful, his sole appearance on That 70’s Show was brief but hilarious and his Just for Laughs bits are great.

Watch the video below and see why Hedberg is one of the greatest comedians in the history of stand-up.

Norm Macdonald podcast


Norm’s podcast is back. I repeat. His podcast is back. Dana Carvey, Tim Allen, and Sarah Silverman have all been guests so far, but when they are on Norm’s show, its Norm who shines.

Watch it. You won’t regret it. And if you do regret it, please get your head checked.