The Toronto Blue Jays

I’m writing about the Jays in a comedy blog because last night’s performance was clearly a joke.

And it started off that way too. Established veteran Curtis Granderson dropped a line drive off of Brett Gardner and two batters later, Giancarlo “Aaron Judge is not enough for the Yankees” Stanton hit a two run Jack to give the Yankees the lead.

It just got worse from there.

While JA Happ was providing the Jays with a respectable pitching performance, the Jays’ bats were as silent as a North Korean classroom taught by Kim Jong-un. The Jays had two hits for the game. And as good as New York pitcher Luis Severino was, the Jays missed every hanging slider possible. They could have gotten more hits. But they didn’t. They were pathetic.

Last year the Jays got off to such a bad start that they never recovered.

Please don’t do this again, Blue Jays. Last year was pitiful. This year will be the same if you don’t remove your heads out of your asses.

Anyways, the Jays have an opportunity to redeem themselves today.

But they need to act quickly. There are only 161 games left in the 2018 season.

Start worrying, boys!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Useless, cowardly, online publications

There is one major feature that shows whether or not an online publisher has any stones or if it is run by little cowards that are afraid of contrary opinions.

That feature is the lack of a comments section.

VICE has no comment section. The Atlantic got rid of theirs. Vox doesn’t. And CBC only leaves comments up on the blandest articles.

If the article is about a contentious court ruling, racial tensions, gender pronouns, or some other potentially divisive topic, CBC makes sure you can’t rip into their writers and columnists.

Perhaps they fear the wrath of those with opposing views, who shit on whatever narrative they push.

And I don’t mind when people push narratives. I just prefer that said pusher has the balls to allow someone to oppose their views on their own site.

Salon allows comments (or at least they did the last time I read a pile of weakass horseshit from Amanda Turcotte). The Washington Post allows them. Breitbart allows them. The Daily Wire allows them. So, it’s not just one side of the spectrum that allows comments.

But I have noticed that far more progressive-left sites have limited or no comments. Why is that?

I believe part of it has to do with how there are many more right-wing trolls than left-wing trolls.

Righty trolls are also more extreme than most lefty trolls. Right-wing trolls mock leftist publications by attacking effeminate men, making racist jokes, and toss nasty snarl words at the left.

Left-wingers call the right “troglodytes” and “Rethuglicans.”

Ouch.

So, if respectable publications like The Atlantic want to regain my interest, they should allow for debate in their comments section. There have been many times that I’ve read an article and then changed my opinion after reading one wise comment out of a sea of idiotic ones.

And that’s all it takes to turn an online learning experience from minimal to extensive.

If your ideas are right, why act like a fraidy cat bitch about it? Let people say what they think and provide alternate viewpoints. It’s the best part about reading online.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not So Sober O’Toole: And Ode to Lem and Zas

Note: Some of the names of the characters have been changed to protect the identities of certain CreCommers from other CreCommers, who are bound to be jealous of the fact that they weren’t the ones who changed Stone-Faced Brent into Shitfaced Brent.

After completing one of the last major tasks of one of my last major projects, I decided to go down to a certain pub to celebrate. Once there, I found a table with Lem and Zas, two of my fellow peers. So, I parked my ass at their table, and thus began my gradual spiral into drunkenness.

I started off with my usual glass of Newcastle Brown Ale, and we discussed our projects, effeminate teachers, coke, Patty Schemel (the drummer from Hole for Christ’s sake), and many other interestingly bizarre topics.

After a while, Mel, I mean Lem decided to order shots. She told Zas and I about how people called her “Shooter Lem” because she bought so many rounds of shots that she helped them pay off their mortgages. I think that’s what she said. But I can’t remember very well. I was drinking and only had one hour of sleep the night before.

I felt a bit buzzed but I seemed alright. Then Manny, aka “The Goose” came. No, I’m not changing his name ’cause no one cares about Manny. Except me. I’m compassionate. The compassion oozes out of me like sweat does from an orphan making overpriced Nikes in Indonesia.

Anyways, Manny’s arrival sparked the beginning of my severe memory loss. Sure, I might have had three or four beers and seven shots of whiskey, but I’m sure it was his Dutch Mennonite charisma that got to me.

Flash forward an unknown amount of time later and Manny was guiding my hand towards the credit card reader thingy, trying to get my feeble hand, which is merely 50% Mennonite, to tap down on the device. After a few attempts, I paid my bill and followed The Goose to his old-timey car. I’m surprised Manny didn’t drive a horse and buggy, with a tray of rollkuchen in the back. No, this jalopy we were in just had a manual transmission.

I didn’t think much of the Dutch with the clutch, until we started driving. But when he kicked that puppy into gear, I was partially awoken out of my drunken stupor.

With the use of a stick of shift, we zoomed as if we were in Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Upon arrival at my abode, I thanked The Goose for the lift. I changed into clothes I got from a shop of thrift. When I tried to sit down on a chair, I did whiff.

With my ass quite sore, I promised myself, “I’ll drink no more.” Feeling near dead, I crawled into bed.

But when I awoke, I was a healthy bloke. Luckier than a four-leaf clover, I had no hangover.

Now, I can’t wait to get sloshed again. Thank you so kindly, Zas and Lem.

 

Sober O’Toole

Well, my project has officially come to a close and it feels good.

When I set out to make Sober O’Toole, I thought I was going to make nothing but edgelord comedy sketches. Pissing people off by mocking what they value, do, and look like is one of my favourite things to do.

It didn’t go that way. I certainly mocked some ideas in my sketches but what I mocked was so absurd that it wouldn’t even hurt the feelings of the most irrational, coddled, student-loan blaming, rich bashing, commie Millenial.

So, it all came out weird. I never thought that I’d do a posh British accent rap, or film the world’s most competitive game of Solitaire, but I did.

And in many ways, I preferred this to making jokes that Matt and Trey from South Park, or even Jim Goad would make. It allowed me to focus on the humour of my jokes rather than the message.

Classic sketch comedies, like Monty Python, Kids in the Hall, and Mr. Show all focused on absurdity over political and social commentary. And all of these shows are still funny today because they wrote sketches so ridiculous that anyone could understand the jokes, even if these people don’t know the context of the time.

 

To paraphrase Norm Macdonald, when was the last time anyone laughed at something Mort Sahl said about Eisenhower?

I’ll guess 1963.

What is the funniest show of all time?

Greg. The. Bunny.

Nope, just messing with ya.

I honestly believe it to be The Simpsons. No, I’m not posting this on here because I wanna brag about how awesome the Frank Grimes episode is or how The Simpsons is better than South Park despite being a mediocre show for a while now and no longer being relevant.

No. I’m doing this in the hopes of fielding any suggestions because of…that’s right, The Simpsons.

I’m now watching Season 14 because I overwatched the shit out of the classics and the show definitely loses a lot of its lustre after Season 10 out of 1,075.

I need to watch something else.

So, what do you think is the funniest show ever?

Please note: If you say Family Guy that’s fine, whatever. However, I’m going to tell you that I’ve seen it and while it has its moments, it’s just an inferior Simpsons knockoff. Yes, I’m aware that I’m a snobby elitist.

Also, I’ve tried watching Community and I just can’t stand it. Granted, I just saw one episode but it was lousy.

It was like watching a Millennial hipster talk about fair trade coffee. Absolutely nauseating.

So, fire what you got at me because I’ve finished watching The Simpsons and my VHS can no longer play my Mr. Bean tapes.

Thanks

 

 

 

 

High Anxiety

It had been a while since I saw a comedy film, so I decided to watch the under the radar High Anxiety by Mel Brooks. A spoof of Hitchcock film, High Anxiety combines silly, Airplane-esque ( ironic since its older than Airplane) humour with parodies of classic suspense films.

The film doesn’t have the same level of notoriety as Blazing Saddles has, nor does it have the acclaim of The Producers. Nevertheless, it is a film with timely laughs that is worth seeing.

Mel Brooks plays psychologist Richard Thorndyke, an ode to Cary Grant’s Thornhill in North by Northwest. He also has a vertigo like condition, hilariously named ‘High Anxiety.’

The film ‘s absurd tone is consistent throughout the movie and is probably the best part of it. Another highlight is Cloris Leachman, who plays the hilariously hideous Nurse Diesel. She is incredibly awful to look at, and utterly convincing in the role. This ultimately makes Nurse Diesel the funniest character in the film.

So, if you’re in the mood for a funny movie and don’t know what to watch, try High Anxiety. It’s a bit cheesy in some parts but the script is very funny and makes for an easy film to get into during this dreary time of year.

 

New Year, New Specials

One of my favourite things about Netflix is their penchant for releasing great comedy specials. From classics like Bill Hicks’ Sane Man, to Dave Chapelle’s return, Netflix is making comedy specials relevant again.

The best part about Netflix comedy specials is that they provide a variety of different comedians for viewers to watch without having to watch segments or single bits like is done on YouTube.

Netflix has exposed me to comedians I had never heard of prior to watching their specials. I had never seen a single Anthony Jeselnik video prior to Netflix. After watching his special, I sought out more of his dark, brooding comedy online. It’s the same with Tom Segura. After I watched his specials, I started to watch his stand-up and podcast appearances.

Most importantly, Netflix specials are great for comedians for the same reasons I listed above. Norm Macdonald’s special has opened up his comedy to an entire generation of young adults. The world needs Norm, and who knows, he might need the cash these days (I doubt Mike Tyson Mysteries provides enough money for him to live off of).

So, if you have Netflix, check out some of the standup specials on there. You might find someone funny to follow up on later.

 

 

 

 

Tragedy

While perhaps not the most pleasant way to come up with comedy gold, tragedies, both real and fictional, can provide a great springboard to a great joke.

Since death is such a serious and powerful part of life, jokes about death have a special advantage over other jokes because they are so much easier to make absurd.

Below is an example of an absolute masterpiece of a death joke.

 

 

 

The ridiculousness of this death and the reaction by the parents is so immense that the joke fulfills its obligation to be funny, and then some.

And I know explaining why a joke is funny can take away from the joke itself, so I wanted whomever reads this blog to at least enjoy the joke first.

Now, onto real life.

I enjoy dark comedy but I’e generally done it from at least a few lengths away, i.e. the tragedy wasn’t sad on a personal level.

However, now that a certain sad event in my life will be happening soon, (don’t worry everyone, I’m healthy) I’ve thought about how I can joke about it. And I’ve thought of some jokes, some good and some not so good, about this inevitable event. I won’t post them here because I don’t want someone in my family to see them, but I do want to say them anyway.

So, my advice for anyone who wants to tell a joke bout a real life tragedy — change the subject to a fictional one.

Sketch vs Standup

Now that I’m slowly preparing my sketch comedy show, Sober O’Toole and the Non-Existant Stereotypes, I’ve had to change my previous comedic approach.

This process is as follows.

Observe. Write down absurd observations. Add punchline. Repeat.

This is what I call my standup process. It’s a very immediate form of writing jokes that I’ve done for ages.

I’ve changed my approach for writing sketch comedy, and the transition to this new style of comedy is not easy to make. It requires far more work, creativity, and precision. The only aspect of sketch comedy writing I can think of that makes it easier than standup is the ability to edit and do retakes. However, this only works if your sketch show isn’t live.

Beyond writing, filming sketch comedy is a time consuming task that never feels as rewarding as when you perform standup. The laughs don’t come immediately and the atmosphere isn’t exciting. But there is also less pressure. Think of standup as a sport, in which one practices in order to deliver a live product, whereas filmed sketch comedy is like recording an album, where the end product matters more than the experience and perfection is paramount.

Who am I kidding, though? I’ve just about made the amateur-est, low-budget-est sketch comedy possible. But still, the time and consideration that has gone into making this project is far greater than some standup bit I pulled out of my ass.

However, this doesn’t mean that I didn’t pull any of my sketch comedy scenes out of my ass. No, it just means that, to a certain extent, I polished and wiped these scenes after I crapped them out.